A test Yoda (Star Wars) : 78% Indiana Jones : 74% Néo (Matrix) : 74% Eric Draven (The Crow) : 74% Batman / Bruce Wayne : 72% Jim Levenstein (American Pie) : 71% Hannibal Lecter : 71% Maximus (Gladiator) : 69% Forrest Gump : 68% Schrek : 68% Tony Montana (Scarface) : 67% James Bond : 64% Quel héros de film es-tu ?

16.5.07 14:37 Permalink / 3 Comments / comment

Bored, fed up etc. It's been a long time since I've written messages here. I'm preparing for an oral exam in literature. I find no passion in what I do; I try to do my homework but I'm bored. I feel like I am not really studying English. There's to much phonetics, grammar, analysis and not enough practice of the language. As a result my pronunciation is still awful not good enough. I hate my fucking French accent. I've registered for a trip to Ireland. But I don't know if I'll be selected to go there. I'm fed up.

6.3.07 19:10 Permalink / 1 Comment / comment

Diagnosis I could not find any magic pill that could give me strength and courage to prepare for my exams. I study slowly and bit by bit. I am home alone and it makes me weak and shivering. I can't believe that loneliness can make one physically sick. Sometimes I get better, it just depends on a good mark, a hug or a kind word. But when I find myself so weak and miserable underneath my cover, unable to move or to think in a sensible way, I have the feeling I'll end up in the loony bin. I do hope my parents won't be angry at me if I am still in that state at the age of 25 or more, if I still look like a wreck clinging to life, if I can't work - coz to be able to work you need to be able to get out of underneath your cover, to talk to people without shaking, to be an adult. I am so ashamed of myself sometimes. But it is not my fault if anxiety overcomes me and weakens me all day. I just thought I would eventually die from this mix of abulia and stress, like in some novels, hence it would solve this endless questioning "What are they gonna do with me?" but I realized that maybe I will keep living some more years or even some more decades in that state, in the fear that I would finally be told I am nothing but a lazy girl. If I am ever told I am lazy, I'll go to a hospital, because I'd rather be called a loony or a sick person than a lazy girl.

5.1.07 15:41 Permalink / 2 Comments / comment

Too anxious? Last time I was agonizing over T., I had an appointment in town with Lauren the British student to have a drink and chat in English. When she saw me so pale and quivering she thought I was sick. I told her that I had been worrying about a friend for 2 days coz I had had no news of her all that time and that though there was no valid reason for me to worry that way, I could not help thinking about all the wrong things that might have happened to her. Lauren's presence, as if magic, helped me muffle the terrible voice in my head that kept murmuring to me that something wrong had happened to her - that maybe she was even dead - for a while. The following day I still had no news from T. so I went completely mixed-up. I tried to take notes from the linguistics class but as I felt the tears rolling on my cheeks I decided to leave the lecture hall to cry alone in an isolated area. As I could not bear not to know if she was OK or not, I went to see her colleagues and asked if any of them knew Mrs M.. My eyes were redish and my cheeks were wet, and I was still sobbing. " - I do know her said one of them, a woman. But please, keep calm, what's going on? Did you have an appointment with her? " I can't remember what I answered then. She told me that Mrs M. was to have a meeting soon and that I should see her come shortly. I sat on one of these black seats installed along the walls and waited for her. I was not completely reassured. And what if she...if she... But here she comes holding a pack of bottles of water. I run towards her in front of her office's door. " - You...you had not answered my last e-mail so I...I thought something wrong had happened to you. I was very worried. " She put the bottles on the floor and gave me a hug. She had some trouble in quietening me when we were in her office. " - I can't live in that state of concern all the time; I must find out a way to kill myself. I am fed up." I said.

3.1.07 15:57 Permalink / 2 Comments / comment

Am I a pain in the... I shall try to think about writing positive posts one of these days. Well, New Year's Eve was nice, though grandpa force-fed us a bit with foie gras and he and granny talked throughout complicated Da Vinci Code movie. And I was glad to see my boyfriend again yesterday though he told me that it might be better for us no to see each other any longer... And well I did well in translation, English reading and literature but I really SUCK at linguistics and phonology. Sucking meaning I got really BAD marks. 2,5/20 5/20 Lauren's gone to Germany. She did not answer my parting message. Well, I can still have English conversations with my beloved "crazy" teacher. I'd like to watch movies in English but I really have to work on American civilization. Damned! I'm writing US English. Not that I am an anti-American. I just usually take British English as a reference. French radical and racist bastard politician Le Pen has too many partisans. Happy New Year anyway. I'm cold. Sorry.

2.1.07 17:17 Permalink / 3 Comments / comment

The Blue Lantern's new blog Sometimes boyfriends are just a bit too nosy. I gave up the former blog because of its content. I'll try to write about other subject matters than my teacher. I can't help blogging in English now so that's why I needed to start up this new one. These days I am suffering from the awareness of vanity. I'm not keen on religion but I know this sentence from the bible: "Vanity of vanities, all is vanity." I got the pendant you can see on the picture in a magazine I bought a few weeks ago (the white hairs you might see are my rabbit's ). The skull represents vanity. My beauty and my youth are meant to disappear. My body is meant to become a corpse. I find this thought unbearable and yet I bear it everyday. I am not very well. Despite the antidepressants and the anxiolytics I am still thinking about a way to commit suicide. Don't tell me I shouldn't because I'm pretty. Vanity. I want to do something really useful for this world to give my life a real sense. I am fed up with selfishness and egocentricity. But I can't help in a charitable organisation coz I am very shy and I shake a good deal (poor nerves of mine). For now I just want to give my blessing to everyone here. It's not easy to be what I am. I hope I will be strong. Sometimes I really want to die. But I'll be strong, because I carry a blue lantern... One positive thing for today is that I could start to do my homework and prepare for my exams. Plosives, fricatives, affricates... Night night.

26.12.06 20:56 Permalink / comment