I was all shaky and confused and I kept repeating: "I am a bad bad person. Such a bad person" as she held my hand (or was it I who held hers?). Anyway. She wanted to know what was wrong with me. What I had done to believe "I was so bad". She went as far as to ask me: "Have you abused children? Killed someone (I said: "I killed insects (does it count?))? Threatened people with a gun and committed robbery?" I think it was provocative of her, she did not really believe I could have done these things(?) But gosh, that was the first time someone asked me such questions. Even my psych never went that far! "If I tell you, you will never want to talk to me again!" "Yes I will! You can't be a bad person."
I'm just in love with you I said. And she did not think it was bad. "You will never want to hold my hand again, now?" "I am still holding your hand because I'm your friend."
But she was more open-minded that night because she had drunk a bit (we were coming back from the pub). Because in the morning she looked very...abashed. And confused. So changed. People tell you things, promise you things, and the next day they change their minds. I felt betrayed. She wouldn't talk to me and look at me. I had caused such a mess. I had to go. And of course, as I was leaving we "reconciled". Such a pity to think I have to leave to be cared for again after I have made "a mistake". It's not the first time it has happened. People telling me: "I understand you, that's OK, no harm done." and then the next day their attitudes change dramatically. I can't trust anyone...Trust is dead in my heart...I'll be become a liar. Or will just shut my mouth. Because people I loved betrayed me. They said things and they lied.

I've finish reading The Black Dahlia by James Ellroy. I wanna know if the movie is worth watching.

I was born to love and to bless, and that's all; and that's all I know, I know no more.

I knew my asking "You all right?" was silly for I clearly knew she was not fine at all , that's why she coldly answered: "Yes I am." and then added: "You know one can't feel all right in this kind of situation." Actually I meant: "Are you feeling a little bit better?" and, in fact, I did not really mean to ask her a question, but to say, instead: "I am sorry for you and I do sympathize (and I love you)." but these are not things I am used to saying. Maybe I'd had better not to say anything but I wanted to show I cared. There's one thing I wish I could have done to show my support: giving her a hug; but I know that it is the last thing she would like me to do.

We watched the funny movie Juno in its original version, that is in English (with French subtitles, thank Goodness, cos colloquial English is sometimes hard to understand for Non-Natives) and dined on sweets (gummy crocodiles and foam strawberry sweets). I had a glass of pastis before that despite the interdiction because of my medicines. Fuck it. I felt good. I slept well. I just did not want to wake up this morning, as usual.